It’s been a terribly tough week for me.
I have been suffering from emotional stress for more than a week now. And I think it is time to give up and move on with my life.
I have allowed myself to get close and be attached with a man who is soooo wrong for me. I have been confident that I would never fall for him because he doesn’t have the qualities I am looking for in a man. I yielded to him because I felt lonely and eager to move on from a failed relationship – convincing myself that I should have fun, and I won’t get hurt because I don’t have feelings for him.
Yes, I’ve had my share of fun. I wasn’t able to realize that days have turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. And one day, I just woke up realizing that I have grown attached to this man. He has said words to woe me and made me believe that he cared… or so I thought.
Last week, I’ve felt him suddenly grow cold and ignoring me. Of course, my instincts told me that there was someone else. I felt so bad, sad and lonely – plus my period made it all worse. I had a bad case of PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome) and dysmenhorrhea. I usually suffer from mild depression when I have my period and he chose to hurt me during my most weak and vulnerable moments.
I waited and waited patiently for him to go back to his old self. But it didn’t happen. Until I gathered all my guts, swallowed my pride and communicated with him.. At first, he acted as if there was nothing wrong – just like the old times. But he hinted that he had a problem. Until I was able to squeeze the truth out of him – he’s seeing a married woman (and she’s a teacher, too!!!!). How ironic could that be?! He said she’s about to be single again, soon. And that they are happy. He met her just a week ago! I felt daggers pierce my heart from everywhere and I was in so much pain.
I don’t know if I should thank him for being honest or hate him for being so insensitive to my feelings. I told him that I was hurting and I could no longer stay attached to him, that I am letting him do whatever he wants with his life. And I’ll support him wherever he finds his happiness – what a crazy, stupid girl I am. But I was doing it for myself, and not for him. And then he said he’s sorry, that he doesn’t want to hurt me, that he’s happy with me, and misses me a lot. And that he’s not YET attached to THAT married woman, that he’s attached to me.. Since I was a fool, I believed him.
But he ignored me again… and I am so sure that he’s with THAT married woman. Just the thought of them being together drives me nuts! And I have decided, right at this moment that I am letting go. There’s nothing else I could do. He’s giving me so much pain and disappointment. No self-respecting woman can ever allow that. I have to rise, gather all the strength that’s left of me and – stay as far AWAY from him as possible.
He has his needs – including those that I could not give (without a lifetime commitment) – that THAT married woman could provide. She has nothing to lose. I am miles away while she is so near him. I really can’t do anything about it. It’s hurting me like crazy and I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I should instead be thankful that God saved me from this kind of man – who’s weak and stupid!
He definitely is NOT the man for me… It’s just ironic that he’d chosen a married woman over me.
By the way, here’s a nice link for letting go and forgiveness that I want to share with you…
For the students of IT141 (OS):
If you’ve read my last post, you’ll remember that I talked about my friends’ heartaches. But then, just after 3 days, it was time – for me – to experience it too.
Again, I was not prepared (although I was already expecting it). I was caught off-guard. Lesson Number 1: No matter how much you anticipate a heartbreak, it will still hurt.
I can still remember the time when I told myself that I was willing to take the risk, and if I’ll get hurt, I’ll be OK. What matters is that I’ve experienced happiness with that person for some time. After all, life is about taking risks and learning. As the cliche goes, “It’s better to have loved and lost, than not having loved at all.”
It’s only been barely six months since I’ve experienced my second major heartbreak but here I am now, dealing with another one. Lesson Number 2: Don’t jump into another relationship right after a breakup (esp. when you’re in it primarily to forget about the last guy who’s hurt you). It’s like an anaesthesia that leaves you hurting more when it has lost its effectivity.
Anyway, I know I’ll get over this, just like the previous one. Here are my baby steps to healing:
1. Accept what happened – and the fact that he’ll be out of your life – sooner than expected.
2. Don’t be afraid to feel the pain. I am the kind of person who’s so afraid of getting hurt that when I do get hurt, I look for immediate ways to relieve myself of the pain. I panic.
3. Be patient with yourself. Because I panic when I get hurt, I just want to take a shortcut to healing. If only there was a pill I could take to take away the pain, I’d pay dearly for it. Well, because there’s no pill available, I go to my friends for comfort, hoping that I could find relief in their presence, kind words and listening ears.
4. Believe that you’ll get over it. Know that you’re not stuck in these emotions forever! Tomorrow is another day! 🙂
5. Back to Number 1 until you forget the reason why you’re havin these baby steps. Haha…
Good luck to me!
Lately, I’ve been experiencing heartaches.
Lately, I’ve been experiencing heartaches.