Isn’t it Ironic?

I have been suffering from emotional stress for more than a week now. And I think it is time to give up and move on with my life.

I have allowed myself to get close and be attached with a man who is soooo wrong for me. I have been confident that I would never fall for him because he doesn’t have the qualities I am looking for in a man. I yielded to him because I felt lonely and eager to move on from a failed relationship – convincing myself that I should have fun, and I won’t get hurt because I  don’t have feelings for him.

Yes, I’ve had my share of fun. I wasn’t able to realize that days have turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. And one day, I just woke up realizing that I have grown attached to this man. He has said words to woe me and made me believe that he cared… or so I thought.

Last week, I’ve felt him suddenly grow cold and ignoring me. Of course, my instincts told me that there was someone else. I felt so bad, sad and lonely – plus my period made it all worse. I had a bad case of PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome) and dysmenhorrhea. I usually suffer from mild depression when I have my period and he chose to hurt me during my most weak and vulnerable moments.

I waited and waited patiently for him to go back to his old self. But it didn’t happen. Until I gathered all my guts, swallowed my pride and communicated with him.. At first, he acted as if there was nothing wrong – just like the old times. But he hinted that he had a problem. Until I was able to squeeze the truth out of him – he’s seeing a married woman (and she’s a teacher, too!!!!). How ironic could that be?! He said she’s about to be single again, soon. And that they are happy. He met her just a week ago! I felt daggers pierce my heart from everywhere and I was in so much pain.

I don’t know if I should thank him for being honest or hate him for being so insensitive to my feelings. I told him that I was hurting and I could no longer stay attached to him, that I am letting him do whatever he wants with his life. And I’ll support him wherever he finds his happiness – what a crazy, stupid girl I am. But I was doing it for myself, and not for him. And then he said he’s sorry, that he doesn’t want to hurt me, that he’s happy with me, and misses me a lot. And that he’s not YET attached to THAT married woman, that he’s attached to me.. Since I was a fool, I believed him.

But he ignored me again… and I am so sure that he’s with THAT married woman. Just the thought of them being together drives me nuts! And I have decided, right at this moment that I am letting go. There’s nothing else I could do. He’s giving me so much pain and disappointment. No self-respecting woman can ever allow that. I have to rise, gather all the strength that’s left of me and – stay as far AWAY from him as possible.

He has his needs – including those that I could not give (without a lifetime commitment) – that THAT married woman could provide.  She has nothing to lose. I am miles away while she is so near him. I really can’t do anything about it. It’s hurting me like crazy and I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I should instead be thankful that God saved me from this kind of man – who’s weak and stupid!

He definitely is NOT the man for me… It’s just ironic that he’d chosen a married woman over me.

By the way, here’s a nice link for letting go and forgiveness that I want to share with you…

5 thoughts on “Isn’t it Ironic?

  1. Gosh, I read my post after reading your comment Laiz… And I made myself cry! So funny.. hehe.. Naluoy nuon ko sa akong self. Hahay.. But it’s enough. I’m moving forward… I’ve learned to accept that he’s not right for me. I have to focus on doing the things that will make me happy and redirect my focus on things that matter.

  2. Well. Life goes on! Im sure mare-realize mo rin sooner na isa lang siya sa mga taong dadaan sa buhay mo.. madami pang pwedeng magyari. Tama ka na we should not let ourselves be attached to the past.. to “what used to be”. Goodluck Girl! ENJOY LIFE!:D

  3. hi maam.. gud eve.. hehe, as i go through and read your post maam regarding your deepest trial for a certain week that have been past away, i was overwhelmed with how you move on maam and try to do something inorder to lift up and continue a life that is so special with god’s presence. i know that there is something special allotted for you maam despite of all the trials and dissapointments that you have undergone in school just what you have told to us regarding the whizzone and with you maam, i also felt bad of what had happened, but there are no trials that cannot be resolved, i know that god will provide us strength and additional wisdom to learn with our mistakes and create solutions to the problems. and also no offense maam, bout your lovelife, hehe, your not a stupid girl maam of what you define of yourself bcoz you have attached with that guy, you are just a woman who fell in love with a man and nothing wrong with that, its just that there is no perfect relationship. i know that you can do it maam and move on with the past, and we are here also maam all your students to help you in all of the activities in school especially in SFD. we will do all our best maam. thank you maam for staying with us and continue to share the knowledge and learning in the field of specialization that we take, the Bachelor of Science in Information Technology. thank you again maam, god bless and take care po. (^_^) ian

    by the way maam, ito po ang aking blogspot account for the reaction of the pirates of silicon valley.. http://www.ifelongco.blogspot.com

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