I have been suffering from emotional stress for more than a week now. And I think it is time to give up and move on with my life.
I have allowed myself to get close and be attached with a man who is soooo wrong for me. I have been confident that I would never fall for him because he doesn’t have the qualities I am looking for in a man. I yielded to him because I felt lonely and eager to move on from a failed relationship – convincing myself that I should have fun, and I won’t get hurt because I don’t have feelings for him.
Yes, I’ve had my share of fun. I wasn’t able to realize that days have turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. And one day, I just woke up realizing that I have grown attached to this man. He has said words to woe me and made me believe that he cared… or so I thought.
Last week, I’ve felt him suddenly grow cold and ignoring me. Of course, my instincts told me that there was someone else. I felt so bad, sad and lonely – plus my period made it all worse. I had a bad case of PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome) and dysmenhorrhea. I usually suffer from mild depression when I have my period and he chose to hurt me during my most weak and vulnerable moments.
I waited and waited patiently for him to go back to his old self. But it didn’t happen. Until I gathered all my guts, swallowed my pride and communicated with him.. At first, he acted as if there was nothing wrong – just like the old times. But he hinted that he had a problem. Until I was able to squeeze the truth out of him – he’s seeing a married woman (and she’s a teacher, too!!!!). How ironic could that be?! He said she’s about to be single again, soon. And that they are happy. He met her just a week ago! I felt daggers pierce my heart from everywhere and I was in so much pain.
I don’t know if I should thank him for being honest or hate him for being so insensitive to my feelings. I told him that I was hurting and I could no longer stay attached to him, that I am letting him do whatever he wants with his life. And I’ll support him wherever he finds his happiness – what a crazy, stupid girl I am. But I was doing it for myself, and not for him. And then he said he’s sorry, that he doesn’t want to hurt me, that he’s happy with me, and misses me a lot. And that he’s not YET attached to THAT married woman, that he’s attached to me.. Since I was a fool, I believed him.
But he ignored me again… and I am so sure that he’s with THAT married woman. Just the thought of them being together drives me nuts! And I have decided, right at this moment that I am letting go. There’s nothing else I could do. He’s giving me so much pain and disappointment. No self-respecting woman can ever allow that. I have to rise, gather all the strength that’s left of me and – stay as far AWAY from him as possible.
He has his needs – including those that I could not give (without a lifetime commitment) – that THAT married woman could provide. She has nothing to lose. I am miles away while she is so near him. I really can’t do anything about it. It’s hurting me like crazy and I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I should instead be thankful that God saved me from this kind of man – who’s weak and stupid!
He definitely is NOT the man for me… It’s just ironic that he’d chosen a married woman over me.
By the way, here’s a nice link for letting go and forgiveness that I want to share with you…