Don’t envy when others receive grace because one day, you will be the one on the receiving end. – Bro. Vic, The Feast Ortigas
It’s the Big Day at The Feast, concluding the 3-part Full Tank series (The Joy of Grace-Filled Relationships). As I was listening to Bro Vic talk about not having greed and envy in our hearts, I remembered an event that happened 12 years ago.
I felt so bad because Mama had taken time and effort to create a collage of my younger sister’s medal and graduation pictures. She was 4 years old, a pre-schooler at a Day Care Center at that time and I was already in 2nd year college, taking up IT. Somehow, a virus took over my mind and heart when I saw my mother putting all her effort on creating the collage. She never did that before.
I couldn’t brush off the voice inside my head that’s saying it’s unfair. That she should have made something like that for me too. Where did all my hard earned medals go? They didn’t even keep it. They’re nowhere to be found. My ego was sorely bruised. I felt so jealous. I couldn’t bear the thought that she loves her more than she loves me. I couldn’t accept that she seems to be so happy that she was able to go up the stage like it was the first time (and my gosh, for a pre-schooler?)! Anger enveloped my heart and that green-eyed monster kept whispering evil things to me. And I listened to all its ugly lies.
Somehow at that time, I had an empty love tank. And the voice inside me was screaming, ‘how about me? Why don’t you love me?!’ Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister a lot. But the selfish 18 year old me felt so much injustice at my mother’s gesture. I wanted to let her know that what she did was wrong. I wanted to hurt her because she has hurt me.
I did the unthinkable. I took the collage from the wall where my mother has hung it and destroyed it. Can you imagine an 18 year old doing such an immature act? All I could think of during that time is that I deserve more than what she’s giving to her. I deserve the attention. I deserve the praise. All I was thinking about is myself. I was totally and ridiculously selfish and grossly immature.
When Mama found out about what I did, she got furious and beat me. It was the worst fight we ever had. I have hurt her so much that it was the first time that I saw her cry. I made my mother cry! She can’t believe that I could do such a terrible and unexpected thing. I felt so guilty and sorry. We didn’t talk to each other for a week until she finally decided to send me to Davao and break the tension between us. I wrote her a letter asking for forgiveness before I left. I was worried that our relationship was already ruined and that there was no hope of restoring it. But of course she is my mother and she forgave me. Everything was back to normal after my 1 week vacation at Davao.
That episode in my life has taught me a lot of lessons about envy. About how it damages relationships. About how useless and awful it is. About how one should be careful not to listen to its lies. If you want to have grace-filled relationships, you should not envy. Be genuinely glad when others receive grace because a day will come when you will be the one on the receiving end.🙂
I hope you a full love tank today!