Family Drama

Almost my entire life, I have struggled to give a better life to my family. I have always dreamt for my parents to live in a nice house, be debt-free, and just be comfortable. I also wanted my brothers and sister to finish school, get a job, and be independent. As an eldest child, I have always felt responsible for my family’s welfare.

But no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I support them financially and emotionally, I realized that I don’t really hold their future. I don’t make decisions for them and what they do with their lives is beyond my control. But sad to say, I am still affected by the consequences of their choices and actions.

When I learned that my sister got pregnant again for the 2nd time, not even a year after she gave birth to her eldest, I felt really disappointed and upset. She’s only 17 for crying out loud! I’m really mad and I can’t do anything about it.

Maybe it’s just because I have my period right now, that is why I feel so mad and have a hard time of letting it go. Argh. So disappointing.

Venue and Date is Set!

Ten days ago I have finally booked the venue for our wedding! After seeing the (over-the-budget!) prices of the other available venues, I became so determined to book our original venue. I and my fiance’s mom have already called their office and we both got the same sad ans depressing answer – it was already booked for November 8. I was actually considering to move the date to another available Saturday in November (1, 15, 22) as long as we have our wedding there. I was about to give up when I kept on getting the answering machine and being put on hold. It took me more than 3 long hours to finally talk to a human! (Note: My work was not affected because I put the phone on speaker and just waited for someone to pick up. I can’t even take my restroom break for fear that someone might pick up and I won’t be there to answer it). I was really just trying to push my luck when I asked if the Group Dining Hall is still available on my chosen wedding date. And lo and behold, the answer that I was waiting for was given unto me!!! Lol. I couldn’t believe my luck… I kept on asking the call center agent if she got the date and the venue correctly. Hehehe. It was really meant to be! I am having my wedding at McKinney Falls! Yey!!! 🙂 Photo Credits: McKinney State Park Website

 

Planning for my Wedding

My wedding is four months from now and I am stressed.

I initially thought that the venue would not be a problem because we decided to have it at my fiance’s parents’ backyard. But now, the guest list keeps getting longer! And because of Austin’s unpredictable weather, we decided to have it at McKinney Falls Function Hall.

I was so happy and excited because the venue is just perfect – it has a nice ambiance, a kitchen, tables and chairs, and restrooms. Plus, the fee is just within our budget! I just have to book it for November 8 and we are all set! – Only that it is NOT available on November 8! Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh! 😦

So, what now?

Where is home?

 Being away from home at the tender age of 13, I have felt a growing need to spend time with my family as much as I can. But after high school, I had to go to college, then after college, I have to work. I went farther and farther away from my family.

Sometimes I feel estranged. It’s like they really don’t know me anymore, and I them. For the past 16 years of my life, I lived in 4 different cities and I stayed in one city at at an average of 4 years. I moved around a lot. I lived with different people at a time. I treat people like family, became very close, and then I had to leave.

Sometimes when I envision or think about home, somehow I couldn’t figure out where it is. When I go home to be with my family in our little hometown, I feel like I don’t belong there anymore. I feel like a stranger. I feel like a visitor. When I visit my non biological families, also known as friends in some city I’ve stayed before, I feel happy to see them but I still could not imagine going back. It doesn’t feel right anymore.

Maybe I could figure this out and settle down when I meet my lifetime partner. Maybe he can help me decide where home is or will be.. 😉

Worried

Note: I initially wanted to keep this post private because I’m afraid people I know might read this and form their  judgments about me. But I realized that I just have to share this so that other people can learn from my experience.  Because after I wrote this post I really felt better and my day also went great… Especially at work. It seemed to turn 360 degrees just because I began my day with the right attitude and mindset. So hope this helps you too… 🙂 

Today I woke up worried that I might have not done my best in my job. I’m afraid that I am not giving enough for my job. I am doubting myself and I wish I can fight this feeling. I should just feel confident and slowly but surely be great at what I do. Contribute to the team. I should not let anybody down or put me down.

The only way they can let me down is when I screw up on purpose. I didn’t get here without hard work. I am here because I deserved to be here. I am here because they saw something in me.

The root cause of all this is that I am afraid.  Afraid of losing what I have. Afraid of not being enough. Afraid of failure. I am operating from a wrong disposition:fear.

It used to work out fine when I was new in the industry, because I wasn’t afraid. I had nothing to lose. I was eager to learn from everyone else around me. But now, I’m getting proud and afraid. Two very dangerous things.

So now, I stop being afraid. And just learn to trust myself. Learn. Keep in mind that I am here to learn and that I really don’t have anything to lose. I just need to get over myself, work well with other people, and give it my best shot. Instead of waking up and wondering “how have I messed up yesterday? Or  I should have done this or I shouldn’t have done that.”I should start everyday asking myself “how can I be greater than yesterday? Or what will life teach me today? Or how will I have fun and enjoy this day?”

Everyday is a new day. A chance to start anew. Smile. Be thankful. Expect great things. Attract good things.

People of My 2013

Life wouldn’t be merry without the people and relationships that make it worth living. I was inspired to write a post about the people who made my year awesome because of Bianca Gonzalez‘s yearly post. I started making my own yearly list last 2012. Here’s for 2013:

10. Maan, Charles, and their teammates – lunch buddies, good friends
They’ve been my constant lunch buddies in 2013. It started when Maan and Charles got deployed to their team. They welcomed me and adopted me to their team. Even when I got deployed to my own project, I still spent most of my lunches with them. Lunch time was always fun – sharing each other’s food, swapping stories, and just enjoying each other’s company. I miss these bunch of simple, fun-loving geeks.

9. Lighthouse Enhancements team – great teammates!
Unlike Maan’s team, my teammates prefer to eat out in the different restos around Eastwood. That’s why it took a while for me to get to know them better. I thought they were maarte and sosyal at first, but when I got to know them better, they were really nice and down-to-earth people. They’re a bunch of hardworking, multi-talented, and brilliant kids. I miss our fun-filled, physically-challenging, team building activities.

8. Lloyd and JP – idols and mentors
My 2 very gifted and admirable bosses. When it comes to Java and systems development, these 2 guys are one of the best! I respect and look up to them. How I wish I would someday be as good as them. Lloyd, my senior manager, always reminds us to live up to the company’s “greater than” slogan. He is a great leader and mentor (just a little too workaholic… hehe. :p) ,very dedicated to giving his best. He gives his ALL in everything he does. No wonder why he has attained his career level at a relatively young age. JP, my direct supervisor (associate manager), knows Java/J2EE in depth and knows his craft very well. He is cool and calm, delivers high performance without jeopardizing his personal life. I’ve learned a lot of valuable lessons from these two bosses and I hope our paths cross again someday.

7. Aries  fab girlfriends + Ate Doli = sweet girlfriends
Laiza, Ems, and Ate Doli are the absolute girlfriends. They are my go-to people for love-related, girly, emo problems. Thank God for single girl friends! 🙂 Though we are miles apart (now 14-hr difference!), we still manage to keep in touch. I’m happy to see them at least once  a year during our exciting and uber-awesome trips. Too bad I’ll miss this yearly tradition this 2014. 

6. The Feast Ortigas family – my spiritual home
Knowing and serving God just became better when I got to know these loving and caring people. I miss greeting and ushering people in to church with my friendly and smiling Warmth ministry. And I definitely miss teaching the makulit but super adorable kids of Awesome Kids Ministry.

5. Sofia, Sabby, and their awesome parents Bro.  Ped and Sis Dems – model family
I got to know the 2 pretty girls at the awesome kids ministry. They’re very smart, pretty and sweet. Because of them, I got to know of the Call Center Feast ministry and served there as one of the layout artists of the bulletin. Their lawyer parents are equally admirable; not only for their wit and brilliance, but also for their remarkable love for God, devoting their time, talent, and treasure for God’s glory. Such an awesome young family. 🙂

4. Jem and new GCP friends –  new friends!
You’re never too old to make new friends. I met Jem when he was about to leave the company and we saw each other again at our friends’ wedding. He’s been a good friend and mentor since then. I got deployed to his previous project and he gave me lots of tips and pointers so that I could perform well in my role as a team lead in the company. Another Java guy whom I look up to. My new GCP friends also made it to this list! Living and working away from home is a little less lonely because of them. I’m really grateful to have them in my life now.

3. James and my housemates – friends
I got to know James a lot better when I started going home at midnight because of work. We’d chat and exchange stories/updates about how our days at the office went. We celebrated small victories by satisfying our cravings through Angel’s burger or McDo’s fudge. He is also a dreamer and go-getter just like me. An ambitious, talented, young man in a corporate world, a little brother, and a good friend. Good thing that he came into my life when my other housemates Jo and Matel got busy with their love lives and we hardly saw each other in the condo. 🙂

2. Family

1. Nycah – my love

The current love of my life, the apple of my eye, the person whom I think about when I shop.. is none other than my niece, Nycah! I am the ultimate tita and spoiler of this little brat. Haha. She’s growing up so fast… and looks very cute in her school uniform! It always breaks my heart to leave and be separated from this baby love. She’ll be a big girl when I go home… my wish is to see her growing up…

Granparents’ Day!

It all seemed so real…

I saw Tatay Primo getting ready to go to church. I even remember myself thinking that I thought he already died and now he looks stronger and in better shape. But I just brushed off the thought and just felt happy to see him happy and alive.

Later, I saw my Nanay Rosing and she hugged me tight. She also looked younger than the last time I saw her. She was smiling and she looked really radiant. I was about to ask her about something and then she slowly faded into thin air…

and then I woke up. That was a beautiful dream. Just in time to celebrate Grandparents’ Day. Tatay Piling and Nanay Rosing are my fraternal grandparents while Tatay Primo and Nanay Inday are my maternal grandparents. They’re all in heaven now and there are times that I terribly miss them. But I am glad that I have with me all the lasting memories with them.

I’m so glad to have seen them again on this very special day, Grandparents‘ Day… even just a dream.

Happiness…is Skyping with my family

Living far away from my family has always been one of the most difficult challenges I have to live and deal with. My parents, siblings, and my beloved niece are in our hometown – Mangagoy, Bislig, Surigao del Sur. And I am living and working here in Metro Manila. No, I’m not an OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker). I’m still in the Philippines but I still see them at most twice a year. That’s a really sad thing. But starting this year, one of my goals is to talk (text and call) them more often. And thanks to technology, we’re able to have video calls every weekend. And that makes me sooo happy! 🙂

My beloved mother

My niece Nycah

Nycah and Lola

Long distance + friendship + technology = amazing!

Whew! I love Information Technology! When used properly, it can really make a (good) difference in people’s lives and relationships.

I’m so happy to have used Google Hangout. It makes me feel closer to my girlfriends Laiza and Ems.. feels like the old times. Just can’t share food with them though. Hehe. But it’s still fun! 😉

There they are with their nieces.. I miss my niece Nycah.. if she’s here with me, the tita-and-niece hangout would have been complete.. hehe.. This is the new way of hanging out! Supah Cool! Now we’re officially cyber friends! 😀

Happy Mother’s Day Mama!

I grew up in your care for 12 years. I still remember when my grade six adviser gave us a homework to kiss our mothers and say “I love you”. I didn’t know how to do it because as a family, we were not used to being vocal and expressive. But being a “good student”, I didn’t want to go to school without doing my homework. You were washing the dishes and getting ready for work while I was waiting for the perfect timing.. You were surprised to see me at the living room after you’ve dressed up and got ready to go to work. You even scolded me because I would be late for my classes. With a heavy heart, I went to school without doing my homework.

I cried when you “forced” me to apply for the entrance exam at Philippine Science High School. It was already the deadline for the application and I still haven’t submitted my application forms. I was scared of taking the exam for 2 reasons: one, I might fail and you’d be disappointed. Two, I might pass and I’d have to live far away from you. After your long sermon about Pisay being the best school for me and that you and Papa might not be able to send me to John Bosco anymore because of the expensive tuition fee of the private school, you went with me to school to ask the school’s basketball team to submit my application to Pisay because they had a game at Davao City during the weekend. My application papers wouldn’t have made it on time without you.

I passed the Philippine Science High School entrance exams and I didn’t really know what to feel. I was proud to be one of the 2 students in our school who passed the 2 entrance exams but I was also very scared. I just turned 13 years old then, and I had to live far away from home. I never understood how you were able to let me go at such a young age. I looked forward to your visits to Davao and even begged you to take me home with you. Since then, I learned to hug, kiss, and say I love you once again.

I may not have known it then, but now, I know, that it must have been hard for you, too. But you had to secure my future and you knew that it was the best school for me. Obviously, you made the right decisions.

If I would have to write about every single thing that you’ve done to keep our family together, I’d probably have to keep on writing for days! You almost single-handedly raised us because Papa is pasaway. Hehe. (But of course, we all still love him). You would wake up so early in the morning to wash our clothes, cook breakfast and go to work. I didn’t notice all those things before, until one day, I woke up and there was no food at the table. You didn’t wake us up to have breakfast. And after knocking on your door for hours and you didn’t respond, Papa had to destroy the lock and we found you on the bed, sleeping like a rock.

I could recall how scared I was back then. I was only (I think), 14 years old. And it shocked and scared me to my core. It took me a few minutes before I realized what you did. There was a pad of empty sleeping pills on the bed. Luckily, Nanay went there and helped us wake you up and vomit all those pills that you took. You were so groggy and almost unable to open your eyes. I was angry for what you did but the fear of losing you was way bigger than my anger. Thankfully, nothing serious happened to you. But I would never forget that incident…

Growing up as teenager, far away from home, you weren’t always by my side.. you weren’t there…when I needed a mom to soothe my troubles and ease my heartaches… but I knew that you are working hard to keep our family together and give my siblings and me a good future. You have always trusted me, supported me, and believed in my capabilities.

We had one big fight and I saw how much I hurt you. I never imagined that I could hurt you like that. I made you cry and I didn’t speak to you for more than a week. Good thing that we were able to patch things up after you sent me back to Davao to “cool off”. Hehe. Contrary to what you’ve always thought of me, I am not a perfect daughter. I can be a pain in the ass, too. Stubborn and maldita. But I realized how much I love you and I swore to myself that I won’t make you cry again and that you’d be proud of having me as a daughter… so you see Ma, everything happens for a reason. Haha. Because from that day on, I made a vow to help you in putting my brothers and sister through college. And I’ve been faithful to that vow because I love you so much.

Mama, we may not have a perfect mother-and-daughter relationship, we may have been living far from each other for the past 17 years of my life, but rest assured that you are always in my heart everyday. I pray for a time that we would live close to each other again in the future. Thank you for teaching me to fly and be independent at a young age. I will always be grateful for all your sacrifices for us. I pray that you’ll have more years to celebrate Mother’s Day with us. I miss you and love you so much! You are our supermom! 🙂